George W. Bush Employment Resume

This individual seeks an executive position. He willbe available in January 2009, and is willing torelocate. RESUME GEORGE W. BUSH 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20520 EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE: Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 fordriving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty,paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" andis not available. Military: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. Irefused to take a drug test or answer any questionsabout my drug use. By joining the Texas Air NationalGuard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam. College: I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.I was a cheerleader. PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn'tfind any oil in Texas. The company went bankruptshortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in asweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oilindustry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was electedgovernor of Texas. ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS: I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oilcompanies, making Texas the most polluted state in theUnion. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angelesas the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to thetune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by anygovernor in American history. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida,and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, Ibecame President of the United States, after losing byover 500,000 votes. ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT: I am the first President in U.S. history to enteroffice with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuingcost of over one billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankruptedthe U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficitin U.S.< face="Verdana" size="2"> history. I set an economic record for most private bankruptciesfiled in any 12-month period. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in thehistory of the U.S. stock market. In my first year inoffice, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs andthat trend continues. I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are therichest of any administration in U.S. history. My"poorest millionaire," Cond oleezza Rice, has aChevron oil tanker named after her. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising tripsby a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record -holder forreceiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one ofmy best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over thelargest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history,Enron. My political party used Enron private jets andcorporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S.Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburtonagainst investigation or prosecution. More time andmoney was spent investigating the Monica Lewinskyaffair than has been spent investigating one of thebiggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided overthe biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refusedto intervene when corruption involving the oilindustry was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline pri ces in U.S.history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminalsto be awarded government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to myadministration than any President in U.S. history. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, thelargest bureaucracy in the history of the UnitedStates government. I've broken more international treaties than anyPresident in U.S. history. I am the first President in U.S. history to have theUnited Nations remove the U.S. from the Human RightsCommission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S."prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refusedto abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in history to refuse UnitedNations election inspectors (during the 2002 USelection). I set the record for fewest numbers of pressconferences of any President since the advent oftelevision. I set the all-time record for most days on vacation inany one-year period. After taking off the entire monthof August, I presided over the worst security failurein U.S. h istory. I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. afterthe World Trade Center attacks and less than a yearlater made the U.S. the most hated country in theworld, the largest failure of diplomacy in worldhistory. I have set the all-time record for most peopleworldwide to simultaneously protest me in publicvenues (15 million people), shattering the record forprotests against any person in the history of mankind. I am the first President in U.S. history to order anunprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the militaryoccupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against thewill of the United Nations, the majority of U.S.citizens and the world community. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans andsupport a cut in duty benefits for active duty troopsand their f amilies in wartime. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about ourreasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies onour British friends. I am the first President in history to have a majorityof Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggestthreat to world peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuclear "TacticalBunker Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bringOsama Bin Laden to justice. RECORDS AND REFERENCES: All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are nowin my father's library, sealed and unavailable forpublic view. All records of SEC investigations into my insidertrading and my bankrupt companies are sealed insecrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or myVice-President, attended regarding public energypolicy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable forpublic review. I specified that my sealed documentswill not be available for 50 years. PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY VOTER YOU KNOW! "Of course the people don't want war. But after all,it's the leaders of the country who determine thepolicy, and it's always a simple matter to drag thepeople along whether it's a democracy, a fascistdictatorship, or a parliament, or a communistdictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can alwaysbe brought to the bidding of the leaders. That iseasy. All you have to do is tell them they are beingattacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack ofpatriotism, and exposing the country to greaterdanger." -- Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials You forgot to mention:
The atrocities at Abu Ghraib
Bailing on the Kyoto Treaty
Massive wiretapping of US citizens without a warrant
Approval of Torture
The stolen 2004 election
Deliberately leaking Valerie Plame's CIA cover, an act of treason
Katrina and "Heck-of-a-Job" Brownie.
The gutting of the EPA
Taking National Guard troops from their jobs, families and the states they were supposed to protect in order to send them to combat duty in Iraq.
This resume needs touching up.