Are There No Normal Republican Perverts Left to Run for President?

Rudy expensed Hamptons trips coinciding with his affair with Southampton resident Judith Nathan...In Hamptons every weekend leading up to 9/11... I'm shocked, SHOCKED, ... My God! Is there any Republican politician out there who is NOT a crook and who just has normal sexual relationships with many kinds of people? Anyone at all? No weird menage-a-trios trysts at an apartment overlooking the smoldering ruins of New York's ground zero, and no billing your secret mayoral booty calls in the Hamptons to the budgets of city agencies tasked with helping poor and crippled people? No gay airport bathroom propositions? No asking underage congressional pages to text you their penis size? No visits to prostitutes in multiple states to have your diapers changed? No divorcing your cancer-stricken, hospitalized wife to carry on an ongoing affair in good conscience? No meth-addicted gay sex while preaching about the abominations of drugs and gays? No calling your subordinate at night while you masturbate with a dildo up your wazoo and tell her how you'd like to loofah her in the shower? No shoving pictures of mangled fetuses in strangers' faces? No raping your own daughters while using the Heavenly Father to rationalize the incest? No more pontificating about the dangers of man-on-dog sex? Oh, and while I'm at it - I'm fed up with my tax dollars paying off Giuliani's Viagra bills, too. But only Rudy fits the Republican fiend prototype of his party's candidate for the persidency.